Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

On the plus side...

     Well, on the plus side, I'm at 2-4 weeks ahead in all of my classes. I'm looking to be done with everything, other than my Capstone thesis, by the end of March. I'm slowly but surely losing weight despite my repetitive injuries (I may have fallen during a run with my dog and severely reinjured an old ankle injury, ahem...). I'm interacting with friends, classmates, and professors. I'm training my dog and getting a handle on going out in public again. I'm showing my foster cats every weekend. I'm continuing to build networking in my hometown. I'm even planning on presenting my Capstone project in front of the class.

     On the flip side of all of this, my OCD/BPD/Asperger's/who-the-fuck-know's-what has taken over. My life is scheduled down to the half-hour (excluding Capstone interviews) through the end of March. I've cut out nearly all unhealthy food as my pantry empties. I've cut out nearly all gluten in non-crucial meals (I still eat it in microwaved meals, because when I have five minutes to cook and eat, my options become limited). I've put off all non-educational needs (therapy, an official mental illness diagnosis, any medical attention that doesn't involve my ability to walk/sign, etc) until May 24th, the day after graduation. I refuse to make any emotional/romantic entanglements. I've stopped reading for pleasure because I read nearly 100 pages a day for classes. I've stopped sleeping more than maybe 5-6 hours a night.

     Part of me loves this and wishes I'd managed to do this the past three semesters. The other part of me is more than vaguely worried about the crash that's inevitable come the evening of May 23rd, my graduation day. As I told my mother, I can sleep on May 24th.

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