Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?

Friday, May 24, 2013

Wedding Day

     There is something very surreal about having planned a wedding that, on its scheduled day, never comes to pass.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Standard Responses

     One thing that I've noticed lately is that, when I'm talking to someone and we're discussing things I can't process quickly - emotions, reactions, etc. - that I tend to have really standard responses. My friend pointed out to me that I can say the same exact thing two or three times in a row without even realizing it. It's not that I don't have an internal differing response to things, because I do, but I can't figure out how to output those. So, in order to cope over the years, I've developed scripted responses that work well. Unfortunately, when I fall back into using those, I apparently overuse them without even realizing it. I don't do it as much when I'm comfortable with someone and they know I'm an Aspie, since they tend to expect slightly unusual responses from me in emotional situations, but when I'm talking to someone new, apparently all of that goes out the window in my efforts to pass as neurotypical Whoops!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Honors

     Today is our Honors Convocation, a celebration for everyone who is graduating Cum Laude or higher. After six long years, I'm attending as a Magna Cum Laude at 3.75. I wasn't sure I would live to see this day, let alone at Magna Cum Laude, and I couldn't be more proud. Even my father told me he was proud of me.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

20

     I spent a wonderful birthday finishing a paper, cleaning my apartment, going to work, and giving a history presentation. I feel like a real adult. My best friend made it special though, and we came back to my apartment to find my mother and little sister! They had driven up to decorate my apartment and come to dinner with us. It was a sweet surprise and I was so blessed to spend my first day as not-a-teenager with the people I love most. My father even remembered to call me, which I was happily surprised by.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Growing Up

     In less than an hour and a half, I'll be 20. It's a very weird feeling to not be a teenager any longer. As much as I've grown and changed, in a lot of ways, I still feel like that 14 year old going to their first day of college. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

     Coincidentally, thanks to it being finals week, this will be the first birthday I haven't seen my mother on. Instead, we'll be celebrating it this weekend at The Melting Pot (gluten for a day, whoo!) and I'll spend tomorrow pretending to be the adult I'm becoming: cleaning my apartment, going to work, and giving my final presentation for The Professor. My best friend and I are going to have a great night though, with some gluten free pasta at The Spaghetti Factory and then a sleepover so we can spend the evening watching movies and drinking wine. This will be the first time I will celebrate my birthday as Jay; that feels like the biggest milestone of all.

     Happy birthday to the real me!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I wonder if she thinks that it's karma for her suffering that got me raped and broken. If she thinks I deserve the flashbacks and pain and terror because I caused her that hurt. Mostly, I wonder if she's right.

Friday, May 10, 2013

40

We swore that, if we were 40 and alone, we would marry each other and retire to Julian to raise horses and gorge on apple pie and sunshine. We were only joking, but I would have waited for you in a heartbeat. You used me and cheated on her and ruined them and never spoke to me again. Even when I said I hated you, I would have waited still. And now you're married to someone who doesn't care that you destroyed lives. I wonder what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night. Or what you told her to make it seem like our fault. What you told the church home to be welcomed back, the prodigal. You preached to me about His redemption. Swore to show me His light, but you damned me instead.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Thesis

     I officially have finished my senior thesis presentation. That marked the first time, since my rape, I have successfully presented in front of people. I was collected and composed and people were legitimately fascinated by my research. The Professor was proud of me. I had the support of dozens of people online, many of whom I haven't seen in person in quite a while, and the support of even more on campus. I had countless friends endure my practicing repeatedly, calm me down when I was panicking, and distract me with shoulder rubs before I went up. I had more prayers and positive energy sent my way at 4 o'clock than I can even imagine. I could feel Him with me, loving me and holding me as I presented. I couldn't feel more proud of having reclaimed this thing from my rapist and done what I used to love doing.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Blocked off

That awkward moment when your parents are trying desperately to remember why they have a day on their calendars blocked off for no apparent reason until you remind them that that was supposed to be your wedding day. Whoops!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Fanfare

When I got my first iPhone,
I changed your text tone to Fanfare
because it sounded almost as magnificent as I knew you to be.
I have not heard that text tone
since before dawn on the twelfth of September.
In the lifetime that has passed since then,
I thought I forgot the thrill that a
simple sound could instantly send up my spine.
But the rest of the world did not end when we did,
and that favored ring has not disappeared with you.
So when it blared today from the phone of a classmate,
those 8 months seemed to vanish in an instant
as I nearly checked my phone to see your name
appear with a purple heart beside it.
But of course you didn't appear.
I knew you wouldn't, not really,
but that instant of hope and expectation flared regardless.
I hope, whomever she was texting,
is as deserving of the Fanfare
as you used to be to me.

Aspie-ness

     I had another appointment with The Shrink this morning. Funnily enough, she definitely thinks I have Asperger's. It's nice to hear that from a professional that actually knows what she's doing; I didn't especially trust the therapist who had originally suggested it, even if I did agree with the diagnosis. Ironically, when I first told The Shrink about the likelihood that I'm an Aspie, back during our first meeting, she dismissed it because I can pass as neurotypical so well.

     Today, though, she finally got a glimpse into why I was diagnosed with that. I don't have a natural ability to read people's facial expressions to know their emotions. To make up for that, I learned them like you would learn a foreign language. Keep in mind, until only recently, I didn't realize that was out of the norm; I though everyone had to learn to read emotions like that and I was just worse at learning it than they were. I'm great at reading embarrassment and I can tell positive emotions from negative ones. Outside of that, though, it's hard for me because the tells for each emotion are so similar and vary between people. (Ironically, this has made people think I'm good at knowing when something's up, because I'm very prone to asking what they're thinking to mask my inability to actually /know/ when they're feeling an emotion.) That happened today during the appointment; I'm supposed to email The Shrink daily so she doesn't worry that I've done something. I didn't keep in touch with her this past week because I was too overwhelmed. When I saw her today, it was clear she was something-negative at me; I assumed she was upset when, in reality, she said she was worried. We got into a discussion about how I had to learn to understand people's emotions like that; she brought up the Asperger's at that point, commenting that she understood why a previous shrink had suggested it and agreed that it was likely I have it. Now, if only she could see me stim when /I'm/ feeling emotion; there'd be no doubt left then!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Visibility

     Perhaps one of the biggest, visible changes since I've started accepting and embracing the fact that, regardless of the label of my diagnosis, is that I've stopped working so hard to hide it. I rock in public more than ever and I stim, though still in predominantly socially acceptable ways, in public now. I'm learning that areas that I struggle in are actually because of my neurotype, not because everyone else just learned it more efficiently and skillfully than I managed to. Funnily enough, that actually took a lot of shame away from that for me. I'm a lot more open with asking questions or putting information out there. I'm terrible with accurately perceiving sarcasm, so I've started asking to make sure I don't end up spending hours later trying to analyze things. I'm paranoid that I'm bothering people and forcing them to hang out with me, so I've figured out that I can unobtrusively make sure I'm not "keeping someone." I'm open about the fact that I'm terrible with texting people first, but very committed to texting you back. It was also great to realize that my inability to innately grasp idioms is actually pretty common with others like me, because we end up picturing it literally. I always thought it was a personal failing that I worked desperately to cover up. Now, even just yesterday, I actually clarified with The Professor on two English idioms that he used that I was lost on. (Funnily, I'm great with ASL idioms, because they've actually been taught to me so I've memorized them as part of my vernacular.)

     I'm not sure this has necessarily made me more likeable or easy to hang around with (how many people really like the trans*guy with a service dog who makes weird facial expressions and spews out random information), but goodness has it made me significantly better at living now that a lot less of my energy is devoted to passing as completely normal. I can recognize those bizarre traits that I was ashamed of as not personal shortcomings, but markers of membership in a community of neurodiverse people. And, really, that's not so bad, even when I'm a little different than the norm.