Whenever I look back on the relationship with The Fiancée, my habit is to think every failing, struggle, and shortcoming should rest solely on my shoulders. I struggle to find any fault with her; the same was true about her while we were together. As much as I often became frustrated and took it out on her in cruel ways, I was never able to, in a moment of calm rationality, find a fault with her. By being so smitten with her and so clear on my issues, I often viewed her as perfect.
This isn't to say that my issues weren't typically at the heart of our problems. I can't and won't deny that. I'm finally starting to realize, though, that her issues came into play too. It wasn't only me. Having now met many other people who are very similar to me in my issues and disabilities (whoo Internet for making the world such a small place!), I've seen relationships work where mine failed. I can see how, when problems and scary things come up, their partners handle things very different than how things got handled between The Fiancée and I. I see where their partners stood up for themselves, even when it hurt, and told the truth even when it was hard. Those were things that didn't happen in my relationship.
I was the whirlwind, the overbearing force of nature that, unopposed, left destruction and devastation behind me. As much as the responsibility for that lies solely on my shoulders, it's unexpected, from my end, to realize that our relationship didn't fail only because of that. We both brought shortcomings in. We both handled things poorly. We both did things that we shouldn't have, said things we shouldn't have, and failed to do or say things that we should have. It wasn't that I was a uncurable monster or am incapable of ever learning how to be in a healthy relationship. It's just that The Fiancée was not the person, as much I love her, that I could do that with. We just weren't meant to be.
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