Both ends of the spectrum

I lived 18 years presenting solely as female. Starting at maybe 12, I learned to fear men. They would catcall me on the streets, harassing me wherever I went. I was 15 when I got into my first relationship; he emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. That was the trauma that triggered my development of BPD. My 16th birthday was the first time I had sex with an adult male, in his car parked on some dark street; that same man raped me when I was 17. This recent October, at 19, I was raped again by a male friend of four years.

I know what it's like to have that deep-seated, gut-instinct fear of a man. The terror when you've stayed late on campus and now you're alone and your phone is dead, with a man following you from the shadows, knowing that, if you're attacked, no one will hear you scream. The fear of a man walking near you on the sidewalk, even in the sunlight of mid afternoon, because that's never stopped people before. The feeling of betrayal when someone you thought was a friend turns out to want more of you; that betrayal that happens whether it's a classmate you thought was just being friendly or your online friend of years because, in the end, they always ignore your "no." That instant panic when you're closing at work, the only one on your entire floor, and two men step off the elevator when no one else is supposed to coming in. The frustration you feel when you realize just how little you trust men now.

Now, though, as I'm being read as male with increasing frequency, I'm starting to experience the other end of the spectrum. I find myself having to watch how closely I walk behind or next to women; what was read as innocuous when I presented as female now appears frightening from a shaved headed teenage boy. I try not to be hurt when women cross away from me; even with knowing what the fear feels like, it's still a hard pill to swallow. Likewise, I'm not trusted near children when people read me as male. No longer is it acceptable for me to interact with the little girls who I encounter in a store; where once talking with a munchkin who wandered over was expected, now parents give me a side eye and hustle their child away. I make sure not to touch women without warning now like I might have before; the threat of coming off as overly flirtatious or harassing is omnipresent.

It's a switch I'm not sure how to handle. Truthfully, I'm not sure I like it. While I cherish nearly every time I'm read as male, these ones throw me for an unpleasant loop. In some ways, by gaining some modicum of male privilege, I feel like I'm losing the "privileges" associated with being read as female. Sometimes, it's hurtful. I had a friend tell me, when she found out I'm a guy, that she couldn't be alone with me anymore because her boyfriend might not approve. As miserable as I was as a girl, I miss the benefits of it.