First, let me say a real hello to everyone here. 117 of you came to visit, essentially all thanks to MFA Mama. I would love to get to know all of you, though I can see why you would hesitate to talk to me based solely on my first post. Although I would certainly like to think there are positive parts of me, and other people seem to think so as well, I think it's more important for me, at this point, to be very open with the negatives before the positives. I also want to apologize to anyone who came over not expecting that, especially Mama; I should have included a warning.
I want to talk about a couple of things that Mama's post about this blog made me think about. The first is prejudices. In general, I think most of us fight against them. No one wants to be prejudiced, to unfairly label or group people. It's the impetus behind the fight for an equitable society and the demolition of discrimination. Yet, against somethings, the prejudice is considered valid. No one wants to think well of people who hurt children or animals. No one wants to think well of people who are racist or sexist or homophobic. Similarly, no one wants to think well of people who abuse their partners or their family members, whether that be verbally or physically. As someone who has been abused by multiple people in various forms over the course of their life time, I understand that. I empathize with that. Yet, as someone who has been the abuser, I see the other side of it. That it hurts to be lumped in with those who do this and enjoy it, with those who plan this out and groom their victims into staying, with those who have no desires to or plans of changing. Yet, I have no right to ask, especially of abuse victims, to not be grouped in with them. I have no right to be angered if you're prejudiced against me. I can only hope that you're willing to see the other parts of me as well.
The other thing that her post really made me think about, albeit on a less concrete level, was the concept of eugenics and those we force to be a part of our world. I decided long ago that I could never have children, even if the idea of them makes me feel like some part of heart is missing them already. I couldn't force children to deal with me, no matter how well controlled or medicated I am. But, what about the other people forced to be in my life? I know that no one is as trapped as a minor child, but what about my baby sister who sees me a few times a month? My mother? The Fiancée? Friends who try to stick around? At what point do they need to walk away? At what point should I walk away to save them from what I know I'm capable of? I don't have an answer to this one, but it's something I mull over a lot.
I promise not all of my posts will be this intense, but this is what I'm mulling over now. I suppose what I ask from all of you is that you're willing to look past what I've done and see, at the very least, what goes on in my head and who I am behind that.
As a child I survived emotional neglect and now am a wife to a man that sustained all manner of abuse at the hands of parents and a first wife. I have to say that therapy is fabulous. We were both afraid of it, but gained so much perspective and such good tools for ending the damage left behind from abuse before it ever emerged in our marriage and became a problem for our kids. The cycle ended with us. We learned to never fight to score points emotional or otherwise. It is a good first step to understand where you went wrong, but it is not productive to let it mire you in guilt and self-loathing. In this way you will not grow and get past what has clearly caused damage in your life. If therapy right now is difficult and you cannot find an inexpensive option, go to the library. There are books that help you build the skills necessary to heal, control knee-jerk reactions and work more productively.
ReplyDeleteWriting is good, too! In the end, tho, it matters most what you think of you and what you do to heal and move beyond your past.