Trauma

Just when the rain seems to have stopped for a bit, a new storm appears.

I attempted to seek counseling at our local rape trauma center, as I was advised to do when I underwent the rape exam. I kept most of my issues from them; I know I'm frequently considered too much of a liability to less experienced counselors. They didn't need to know about the BPD, the bipolar, the past passive nor current active suicidality, the apparently different way I view the world due to my uncommonly high IQ and the fact it makes me act like an Aspie sometimes, none of it. To them, I could be the perfect, hurting rape victim.

The one mistake I made? I told them that, the evening when I was raped and was left alone after, I hurt myself. I didn't even tell them how bad and deep and numerous it was. Just a little slip up in my recovery after a traumatic event, yes sir.

After several meetings with her supervisor, my counselor told me I was too much of a risk, a danger to myself, a liability to their program, and they were unable and unfit to help me. She gave me a list of useless referrals.

All I heard? "You are too fucked up to be helped, even by those who are trained in helping. You are not welcome here, either."

Welcome to my life.

ETA: Apparently the one person who believes me welcome? My rapist, who attempted to add me on Facebook. I feel so worthwhile.