Scarification

     I have over 300 self injury scars on my thigh. I'm not ashamed of them, but they're not something I particularly like to show off, either. Many are small and white, but many are several inches long, raised, and stay fairly pink. There is a large burn mark from when I was 14, and a whole host of words; most of the awful things I've thought about myself are carved there so I can never forget them. When I had the physical exam after my rape, the nurse there commented on how the words are even neater than her cross-stich patterns.

     For maybe 5 years now, I've been planning on getting a tattoo there someday. I was ashamed of them, wanted to cover them up and pretend they never existed. Once I turned 18, the plan was to wait until I was 2-5 years clean, since you can't tattoo over scars that hadn't settled. I no longer wanted to hide them, just make them less of a focus. With the exception of my relapse on October 6th, the night of my rape, I've been clean since summer. I was well on my way to the tattoo.

     I'd been contemplating scarification on my thigh instead; a symbolic cutting over all the harm I'd done to myself. There's few scarification artists who advertise, though, even in a metropolitan area like this; even then, I feel awkward finding a random new person for something like this. Just the other day, though, I found out my piercer does scarification, branding, and hand-done dotwork tattoos. I've been being pierced by him since I was 14; he's done all but a couple of my piercings, including my VCH. I couldn't be more comfortable with him; that seems to happen once you've been naked from the waist down with someone. I spoke to him on Friday when I went to get my septum jewelry changed. I talked to him and showed him my scars; he agreed that a large, geometric type design would do well. We're now texting ideas back and forth; he said he's excited for the project, since he has near complete artistic freedom.

     I can't believe it's actually happening. I'm looking forward to looking into the mirror and seeing something more beautiful than a lifetime of hurt.