Sometimes I wonder what she would do if I called her. Would she answer? Would she respond if I left a voicemail? Is she hoping to talk to me and have a friendship again someday? Is it supposed to be on my end to reach out for that? I know she wouldn't answer, in the same way she hasn't responded to the gifts I've sent her or the texts on holidays. So I won't; I ruined enough with her without intruding now where I'm not welcome. Sometimes I wonder anyway though...
One of the biggest things I wonder is what her thoughts on me now are. Between this and my Tumblr for her, if she reads them, she's still up to date on my life. Does she see everything that went wrong as reasons we'll never have a friendship? Does she look at whatever she's doing now and think she can only do them without me in her life? I'm well aware that her leaving me was the catalyst for all her changes and I'm glad for her that she can make them. Sometimes I'm terrified, though, that the only image of me that she keeps in her head is the one where I was so scared to lose her that I turned into a monster to try to make her stay. I wonder if she realizes that that was never who I wanted to be and someone I wouldn't turn into again if we start a friendship someday.
Sometimes I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me with her lies, even if it was often my fault she lied. After we broke up, she promised that our cats would live with both of us again someday. She said that, if same sex marriage really becomes legal here, she knew we'd do it. I spend hours at night now wondering just what was a lie. Was she really not in love with me anymore or was that a lie she told so she could be strong and brave enough to leave? Was she ever in love with me? How much of me did she resent? Does she still love me now in some way? Does she know how sorry I am? That I'm glad she left because all I want is her to be happy? How desperately I hope we can learn how to be friends someday?
I wonder, too, about how cold she can be. If she reads this, I want to know how she could ignore me after I was raped by a good friend, after I begged her for even just a text because I didn't know how to survive that. I needed to know someone didn't think I deserved it, that I wasn't filthy for it, that someone could love me in a way that didn't end up destroying parts of me. I wonder if she thinks I deserved to hurt for it, deserved to be alone, and that's why she never contacted me. I'm not sure I would disagree with her.
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