Bittersweet

I'm sitting here with two new foster kitties (pictures to come!), but I can't help but think how bittersweet it is. I adore them and I'm so happy to have saved their lives and ensured they'll have great new homes. After all, here in LA, 2/3 of shelter cats don't make it out of the shelters alive and, as friendly as these two are, at a year old each and one "just" an orange tabby, their chances weren't great. I'm happy, I really am... But Christ, does this make me ache for The Fiancée and our kittens. They're 9 months old now, and I haven't seen them since the end of August when they were still so little. Even more than I miss my babies, I miss my ex. I'm glad she left because this is so much happier and healthier for her and that's what I want above anything for her, but I hate that I made her make that decision. I hate that I'm too sick to show her that I love her and treat her how I should have. I hate that it was mostly my fault we couldn't manage a healthy relationship or friendship. I miss her, and I hate that too because I feel selfish for it when I know how much beter off she is without me in her life. I wish I could tell her how sincerely sorry I am. I only write to her once a month now; I was too dependent on writing her the daily letters so I cut them off after the first month or so. I ended up posting to Facebook a lot more with the ridiculous tidbits from my day, but it was healthier that way. I never sent her letters save for holidays, because I wanted to respect her request that I not talk to her anymore, but I hope she reads my blog to her. Mainly, like I said above, I just desperately want her to know how sorry I am and that, someday if she'll allow it, I'd love to create a friendship with her. Outside of having been deeply in love with her, I cherished, and still cherish, her as a person. I know it's difficult and hard and frustrating and sometimes hurtful to make a friendship with someone after a relationship ends, but, if she ever wanted a friendship with me, she'd be worth it a million times over. Sometimes, I'm more tempted than I care to admit to try to contact her. Send her an email or a text or a message or something; just extend that thought in some way. But that's not fair to her because, no matter how broken hearted I've been sine she left, it's inconsequential compared to the pain I caused her. If she ever wants me back in her life, she knows just where to find me and I need to wait for that time. I may not be in love with her the way I was, but I pray that she knows I still love her unconditionally and literally nothing can change that. I told her once that one of my (admittedly many) favourite things about her is what an intrinsically good person she is and I know that, whatever lies were told, that could never change. Maybe I'm selfish but I hope her penchant for forgiving people and loving them again applies to me too.