One of my best friends self-admitted to a behavioural hospital on Wednesday evening. She's a recovering alcoholic with several severe psychiatric diagnoses; recently, she's fallen back into abusing pills, chain smoking, and her eating disorder. She was also recently diagnosed with RSD after being hit by a car; all of this combines to mean that she will be disabled and (according to the state) unemployable. She's in the middle of her last semester, like I am; even though she's taking fewer classes than I am, she certainly is busy. She decided to self-admit to a behavioural hospital to try to save herself before she goes back to rock bottom. Over the course of my life, she's one of a very small handful of people that I've actually made the effort to keep as a friend. For most people, I'm just not able to make an effort, but for her, it's different. I'm monumentally proud of her for doing what she needs to do to get better, even when it's hard and scary and a lot of work.
Selfishly, though? I'm so incredibly jealous that she can just get up and walk away from the end of the semester just as a preventative measure to work on her mental health. I don't get to have the luxury of doing that, even knowing it's what I may need to save my life. Realistically, I'm in a darker place than I have been in years. I'm not entirely sure why; I didn't even go this low when The Ex left. Whatever the cause, it's left me struggling to literally just survive from day to day. I hate how melodramatic I sound saying it, but I'm so close to giving up. I can't just walk away from my last semester just a month and a half before I graduate, but I would give nearly anything to be able to get the kind of help my best friend is right now. That horrible awkward moment when you're so mentally ill that you're jealous that your friend got to go to a psych ward.
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