I met with my pastor today, from my home church. This was the church I was saved and baptized at, and the only church that has ever made me feel like home. Over the 6 years since I started attending there, I've been through several growing pains with the church, the leaders, and my fellow attendees, but I never stopped seeing it as my home. When The Ex, who volunteered heavily there at the time, outed us, it didn't go smoothly. We were looking for affirmation and love and support; we were met with the reality of a church (nationwide, really) that wasn't ready for that. They loved us, but no one involved handled it with aplomb and feelings were hurt all around. The Ex and I left the church after the first service of 2012. We were heartbroken and hurting and couldn't gain anything by attending there. I don't regret that decision, as much as hurt. It was what we both needed.
Towards the end of our relationship, I desperately wanted to try returning to the church. I missed it and my pastor desperately. I missed learning and growing and attending. The Ex said she wasn't ready, so I held off. Once the relationship ended, she returned to the church. I wanted to go back, but I was too forlorn over losing her to risk seeing her.
Two weeks ago, I finally bit the bullet and emailed my pastor, asking for his blessing in returning to my church. While I don't want to see The Ex or run into her, the pain of missing my home finally far outweighs the risk of encountering her. My pastor and I met today regarding it and I, for one, was terrified. I prayed desperately for God to give them grace and forgiveness and mercy, and begged for acceptance and submission on my part for their decision.
He accepted me as a transguy, even if he still cared for the girl he had met me as, and respected me enough to use my chosen name. We discussed the hurt that had taken place when I left the church and the fact that I've matured enough that I can recognize that, even if I disagree with someone, we can love each other anyway. I confirmed that I am willing and wanting to submit to my church's spiritual authority by calling it my home church even though I disagree with their stance on queers. He grieved my rape and need for a service dog, and was shocked to hear about what had transpired with the best friend who had sexually abused me being allowed to remain working with high schoolers. We talked about his joy at seeing me again, thriving in spite of my brain injuries and mental illness.
We discussed the real impediment to my returning to the church: my history with The Ex. He mentioned that, from what he's seen, she's doing so well on her spiritual walk and fellowship and I couldn't be happier for her. The concern is, of course, if I return and disrupt that. I do think that's a valid concern, if not an entirely fair one. She returned first to the church so she gets priority in staying there? Considering that I had two of my abusers be allowed to stay at the church unquestioned, that doesn't seem quite right to me. Regardless, it's their decision to make. They plan on talking to her about it to see if she could cope with me being there. I'm praying desperately that she says she can deal with it. I already told my pastor how much I'm willing to work to mitigate any negative effects, in the sense that I'm not asking to go back to the college group or any of the church events that she would typically attend and even sitting places that wouldn't impact her working there. I hope that gets relayed to her.
I know whatever God wants will happen, but I'm still selfishly praying that that might be me being able to return to my church. Either way, prayers for acceptance and submission on my part and grace and mercy on everyone else's would be so appreciated.
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